I fell in love with a man 4 years ago.  I honestly thought he was someone I would end up marrying and starting a family with.

Now, 4 years later, I am starting to have feelings for someone...someone else.  I know it's not good and I've tried to fight it.  I've honestly tried so hard.  I can't help it anymore, though.  He's been my person for months.  He's the person I call when I have exciting news.  He's the person I call when I have a bad day.  He's the person I go to.

The worst part about it all is that he has someone.  Just like I have someone.

But that's the thing.  His someone hasn't been there for him.  I've been his person for months.  He calls me when he has exciting news.  He calls me when he has a bad day.  He comes to me.

I don't know how to handle this because, frankly, this is where I go to vent and talk.  I can't go to anyone about this because it isn't right.  I just don't know what to do...

I just absolutely love being awake at 4:30am.  I can't sleep and after about 3-4 hours of going to every website I could think of, I'm back at my Xanga weblog.  Haven't used it in years.  Literally, years.  This thing was so awesome.  Then MySpace came along-which totally sucks now.  Now we have Facebook.  What's next?  Ah yes!  Twitter [yea...NO!].

I always liked writing in here.  I could vent when I didn't have anyone, personally, to vent to.

I hate working every-single-day.  Literally, I work every damn day.  I wish I was in charge of the schedule, at least it'd be done right.  Don't get me wrong, our management is great-but they just don't get it.  They constantly ask for my help to do things and "Linda, where's this?", "Linda, where's that?", "Linda, how do you do this?", etc.  I do NOT get paid enough for what I have to do at that goddamn bank everyday.  I basically almost run the place but have the title of a nobody and the pay of...don't get me started.  I just need a day off-NOT JUST SUNDAY!  I bet if bank's weren't closed on Sundays, I'd have to work that day, too.

Everything at home sucks.  I love my family but they drive me nuts sometimes.  Ever since my dad got laid off, he's home everyday and I get a phone call about every hour.  I love my dad but he needs to find a hobby that isn't necessarily sitting around and calling me.  And jeez, my mom looks thinner than a skeleton.  I love her so much.  I hate the idea of ever losing her.  I cry every night.  Ever since Monika's death, I've realized how soon that day can come and fuck, I'm terrified!  I hope my mommy takes care of me when she's in heaven, at least there she will finally feel better.

Mickey drives me nuts.  Not in a bad way but definitely not in the good.  I feel like everyday I'm doing something wrong and I barely even talk to him nowadays.  I see him at night and then with our insanely conflicting schedules, that's really about it.  I love him but I don't feel like a priority to him at all anymore.  He doesn't text or call me and if he does, it's usually because I made him do it.  Mickey probably gets bothered with me.  I don't know what to tell him though, he doesn't ever say anything until he explodes and starts screaming and yelling.  Sometimes I think about it but he really scares me.  No one has really ever seen Mickey at his worst, and I definitely have.  Scary.  Really scary.  Especially when I realize what he's capable of.  I hate this.

I'm done venting for the night but I'm glad I have this thing and I'm so glad I have my friends.  I feel bad texting Jelly [especially at 4am] but I love her.  I hope next week I can hang out with her and when Sarah comes to town.  I need to take a couple days off work and just spend it away from home and be with them.

Grrr.